NORTH PHILLY CRACKHEAD SQUIRREL

Police Report: Theft on the 2000 block of N. 13th St. September 21, 2008

Lunch cart owner claims theft of one six-pack of Lance brand orange cracker/peanut butter sandwiches. Detectives scour the area for cellophane wrappers, but find nothing. There was one witness to the theft. Witness able to describe suspect in statement.

Witness: Yea, I was just standing in line waiting to order my usual bacon egg and cheese when I see somethin out the corner of my eye. It startled me 'cause they move so quick, ya know? So he scurrying about and I'm watching 'cause I'm waitin,' ya know, and all the sudden he makes for the shelves in front of the lunch truck. He hops in the little basket of peanut butter crackers and gets one of the packs in his little mouth and runs as fast as his legs can go. I'm giggling at this 'cause I'm like, shoot look at that little guy. I'm laughin tellin the guy that this squirrel stole his crackers and he tells me he does it all the time. I couldn't believe it, I was just...yeah, I got a good look at him. He was about a foot long, I guess. He was gray with like a brownish stripe down his back. Real furry. Definitely a thin build. Black, beady eyes. They looked crazy like all glazed over...Naw, he wasn't wearing no shirt. No pants either 'cause he's a squirrel...Nope, nope, no identifying marks. But he did look real nervous, like, he sorta jerk around real fast, like this...

Other notes: Reports in the area have suggested that the suspect has been terrorizing those with Wendy's french fries. It is highly abnormal for a squirrel to be so brazen with fry snatching. Some victims have reported holding the french fry in their hand and a squirrel, matching a similar description to the suspect in this case, has grabbed it away from them. The abnormal behavior surrounding the possibly related crimes may suggest the influence of intoxicants as further evidenced by the witnesses report of a 'glazed look in the eye.'


September 30, 2008 UpdateI: Suspect brought into custody after an altercation is reported on the 2100 block of N. 13th St. The altercation was between the suspect, now identified as James "T-Nuts" Simpson, and Michael James Layden. The fight was caused when Layden attempted to steal away the orange crackers Simpson tossed aside after carefully opening each cracker sandwich and licking the peanut butter inside. After questioning the lunch cart owner, it was reported that peanut butter crackers were stolen earlier that day. Simpson and Layden were treated for minor fight wounds and taken into custody.

October 27, 2008 UpdateII: James "T-Nuts" Simpson was sentenced to 24 years with possible probation after 15 years in SCI Graterford Federal Penitentery for 67 counts of Grand Larceny and 2 counts of Assault.