Letter From "Puss Cat" To Her Crazy Cat Lady Owner Written by a Crazy Cat Lady

Dear Kate,

So, a couple of things on my mind.

First, the out loud voice that you have given me is really off. You are rather good at identifying the thoughts in my head, but the conveyance needs adjustment. One obvious thing that could be changed is the British accent. You adopted me from a litter of kittens born in Cherry Hill, New Jersey. If anything there should be a faint South Jersey accent, if there is such a thing. Drop the accent. I'm really a very simple creature so the advice I give you on relationships is, unfortunately, from your own head. As I said earlier, you're good at identifying the thoughts I have. This is probably because there is you can count on only one of three options: you, please give me fresh food; oh my god what was that loud noise; and, oh my god, why did you move so quickly - that freaked me out. And the last note on the out loud voice you have assigned to me and also, I suppose it has come to this, my only piece of relationship advice for you: do not use the out loud voice and have a full conversation with yourself in front of some one you are newly dating. Not every one gives their pets voices and makes them talk. To some people this is weird:

You (after coming home from work): Hello, pretty puss kitty! I am so happy to see you.

Me (But really you. Attempting that awfully-executed British accent): Oh! I'm so happy to see you, too, Mate!

You: Oh, I missed you. You wouldn't believe the day I had. Do you want to eat? Hm?

Me: Yes, very much, Misses.

Then you giggle and I get to eat. We watch endless episodes of Law and Order. Go to bed. Do it all over again the next day. You will wear the same holiday sweaters in rotation through out the year. Between holidays you will wear sweaters with cats on them. The holiday sweaters I find a little tacky. The cat sweaters, however, I find adorable. Especially the one with the kitten playing with the yarn. That is why whenever you lay it out on the bed, I try to sleep on it. I wish you'd wear that one every day.

While we're on the subject, have you heard of a lint roller or a vacuum? My hair is just every where. I love our weekly brushings, and maybe we could do them more often. I think that would help, too. Things that shouldn't have fur, have thick coats. The table, chairs, floor, food. I'm just saying it's a pet peeve of mine, that's all. Like smokers who can't stand the smell of cigarettes.

I would prefer not to be thrown in that box and carried off to that place where strangers poke and prod at me. The first couple times they stuck needles in me and I just hate being pinched and touched by strangers. I feel like I shouldn't have to be saying this. Would you like to be pinched by strangers? I don't think so.

Lastly, please no more forced cuddling. Let me come to you. It's a control thing I have. I like to be the one who initiates snuggle time. I've been that way since I'm a little kitten. Most important, do not pick me up under any and all circumstances. It makes me extremely uncomfortable.


Thanks and Nose Kisses,

Puss Cat