Letter From "Puss Cat" To Her Crazy Cat Lady Owner Written by a Crazy Cat Lady

Dear Kate,

So, a couple of things on my mind.

First, the out loud voice that you have given me is really off. You are rather good at identifying the thoughts in my head, but the conveyance needs adjustment. One obvious thing that could be changed is the British accent. You adopted me from a litter of kittens born in Cherry Hill, New Jersey. If anything there should be a faint South Jersey accent, if there is such a thing. Drop the accent. I'm really a very simple creature so the advice I give you on relationships is, unfortunately, from your own head. As I said earlier, you're good at identifying the thoughts I have. This is probably because there is you can count on only one of three options: you, please give me fresh food; oh my god what was that loud noise; and, oh my god, why did you move so quickly - that freaked me out. And the last note on the out loud voice you have assigned to me and also, I suppose it has come to this, my only piece of relationship advice for you: do not use the out loud voice and have a full conversation with yourself in front of some one you are newly dating. Not every one gives their pets voices and makes them talk. To some people this is weird:

You (after coming home from work): Hello, pretty puss kitty! I am so happy to see you.

Me (But really you. Attempting that awfully-executed British accent): Oh! I'm so happy to see you, too, Mate!

You: Oh, I missed you. You wouldn't believe the day I had. Do you want to eat? Hm?

Me: Yes, very much, Misses.

Then you giggle and I get to eat. We watch endless episodes of Law and Order. Go to bed. Do it all over again the next day. You will wear the same holiday sweaters in rotation through out the year. Between holidays you will wear sweaters with cats on them. The holiday sweaters I find a little tacky. The cat sweaters, however, I find adorable. Especially the one with the kitten playing with the yarn. That is why whenever you lay it out on the bed, I try to sleep on it. I wish you'd wear that one every day.

While we're on the subject, have you heard of a lint roller or a vacuum? My hair is just every where. I love our weekly brushings, and maybe we could do them more often. I think that would help, too. Things that shouldn't have fur, have thick coats. The table, chairs, floor, food. I'm just saying it's a pet peeve of mine, that's all. Like smokers who can't stand the smell of cigarettes.

I would prefer not to be thrown in that box and carried off to that place where strangers poke and prod at me. The first couple times they stuck needles in me and I just hate being pinched and touched by strangers. I feel like I shouldn't have to be saying this. Would you like to be pinched by strangers? I don't think so.

Lastly, please no more forced cuddling. Let me come to you. It's a control thing I have. I like to be the one who initiates snuggle time. I've been that way since I'm a little kitten. Most important, do not pick me up under any and all circumstances. It makes me extremely uncomfortable.


Thanks and Nose Kisses,

Puss Cat

Training Manual for Receptionists/Customer Service Reps/Cashiers in Philadelphia

The first and most important rule is to act like it is not your job to be at the front of the store answering phones, exchanging moneys, etc. You must act like you are doing both a/ the customer and b/ some unnamed, absent underling you are covering for, a favor.
Proper Phone Etiquette suggests that you ask the useless boyfriend you are currently on the phone with to hold on 'one goddamn minute' before sounding annoyed and exhausted at the person calling on the other line. When answering quickly say: "Can I help you?" If the person has called with an inquiry please use one (or all, if caller is persistent) of the following responses: "I don't know," "Imma ask my manager," "There is nothing I can do," or "I'll put you through to the voice mail." Your true job is to get off the phone as soon as possible so that you may return to your previous phone call with that asshole boyfriend. If the customer is especially bothersome feel free to a/ walk away or b/ curse her out and then walk away.
Proper face to face contact suggests a similar manner to phone encounter, only the look on the face is more important. Make sure to look more and more annoyed as the dialog continues. Also, during this encounter you may stay on the phone with jerk off boyfriend and yell at him between the words "I don't" and "know." You can yell at him saying things like "Will you shut up. I gotta customer." Do not, however, take the phone from your ear and make sure you giggle as the customer talks at some cute thing the jerk off boyfriend has said. Remember! This is not your job. Maintain the attitude that you are filling in and don't know policy and procedure.
Leave all paper work to the brand-new idiot hire who will eventually catch on and also stop doing work. At which point all will fall on your lazy manager who does the bare minimum to get by. There is never any toilet paper as a result.
Keep the bar set as low as possible. The last thing we as an organization need is expectations from our customers. We want them to come in hunched over, bracing for a fight. Make sure they know kindness will absolutely not be tolerated nor will it get them anywhere.
In a word, unnecessary hostility is key. You have a legacy and reputation to uphold, my new friend. Let us make the citizens of Philadelphia uncomfortable asking for help, as much as humanly possible.